Red Rag

Gather around people, let me tell you a story. A one-week-long story of power and pride.

And tiny-tories.

And fictional characters.

And last, but by no means least, a respected national columnist.

I’m tired of waiting for Alexander Lew’s stunning revelations about Ms Fits aka Marieke Hardy aka Diana Elgar. So I’m going to post his stunning revelations for him.

This morning, what should lob into my inbox (from an anonymous source) but a hilarious series of emails between half a dozen people. Some of the names will be familiar to you; others will not. That’s because some of the names belong to real people; others do not.

Before we get into the emails, here’s the people involved. It’s important to remember who’s who, so that the full comedic effect will be realised as you progress through the chain.

Real

• Miranda Airey-Branson (aka Miranda Panda)
• Alexander Lew (the doting boyfriend and wannabe lawyer)
• Andrew Bolt (respected national columnist)

Imaginary

• Brett Kleinitz (claims to work with Diana Elgar)
• Simon Hollins (claims to be a lawyer representing Diana Elgar)
• Diana Elgar (our fictitious heroine)

The emails

The following correspondence took place between Thursday November 4 and Monday November 8 2004. It is presented in chronological order.

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From: brettk2000@hotmail.com
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity

Hi Miranda,

I’ve heard that you have been gettting a hard time from the fans of someone hiding behind the name “Ms Fits”. Well, I’m very happy to give her up to you. I’ve been on the receiving end of this bitch’s temper tantrums often enough to know that “irritatingly smug” is a real understatement.

Anyway, her real name is Diana Elgar, she writes for MacLeod’s Daughters (which could explain her resentment towards horse-lovers), and her email address is:

eaglehand@[deleted]

This is supposed to be some witty variation on her name written backwards and altered a bit, or something. Anyway, give her hell. Please don’t mention who told you, because my job could be at risk.

regards,
Brett Kleinitz

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: brettk2000@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity

Hi Brett,

Thanks for your help.

From Miranda

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: brettk2000@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity

Also: I am planning to ‘give her hell.’ I am in touch with lawyers at present. I was wondering – any more dirt on Diane that you know of?

Cheers,
Miranda

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From: alexlew@[deleted]
To: eaglehand@[deleted]
Subject: reasonsyouwillhateme.blogspot.com

Dear Ms. Elgar,

1.1 I write on behalf of my client Ms. Mirada Airey-Branson.

2.1 I would like to formally issue you with a written request to cease and desist publishing defamatory statements about Ms. Airey-Branson on your internet site.

2.2 I would like to formally issue you with a written request that you remove any material on your website that could be construed as sexual harassment towards Ms. Airey-Branson

2.3 I would like to formally issue you with a written request that you remove any intellectual property of Mi Airey-Branson that you have reproduced on your site without the express written permission of Ms. Airey-Branson. (This includes photographs taken by Ms. Airey-Branson and words composed by Ms Airey-Branson)

3.1 Should you choose not to comply with my clients request within the next 48 hours you will be served with formal notice that legal action will be brought against you in the State of Victoria.

3.2 This letter is the intellectual property of its’ [sic] author and may not be reproduced in any forum without the express written permission of the author.

Alexander Lew (BA/LLB IV)(Melbourne)
alexlew@[deleted]

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From: brettk2000@hotmail.com
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity

So sorry for taking a whole day to get back to you.

I saw her from a distance this morning and she looked a bit pale and worried. Good work!

Any more dirt? Only that she’s a fucking harpy. And I once walked in on her and Karl Blaxland (one of the producers and a married man) adjusting thier clothes and looking a bit red. You can join the dots yourself.

I know the name “Hardy” is meant to be a tribute to the communist novelist Frank Hardy (like Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas i suppose but without the class) and “Marieke” is some sort of ridiculous wog-chic thing.

Hope that’s useful. Good luck.

Brett K.

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From: brettk2000@hotmail.com
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: Re: didn’t copy last message

Miranda,

I appear to have forgotten to save a copy of the message I just sent you into my sent mail folder. Could you please send me back a copy of it? or include the whole thing with your return message.

Brett K.

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: “Brett Kleinitz”
Subject: Re: didn’t copy last message

Why do you want a copy of the message you sent? Not to be recalcitrant, but I am being extra cautious.

Thanks for the info.

Miranda

PS Read Andrew Bolt’s column in the Sunday Herald Sun coming.

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From: brettk2000@hotmail.com
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: Re: didn’t copy last message

Just the habitual thing to do, and annoyed that I didn’t. Not important, if it bothers you.

BK

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: brettk2000@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity

Here you go, then!

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From: simon.hollins@gmail.com
To: alexlew@[deleted]; eaglehand@[deleted]
Subject: reasonsyouwillhateme.blogspot.com

November 6, 2004

Dear Mr. Lew,

I write on behalf of Ms. Diana Elgar (hereafter referred to as ‘my client’), in reference to your Internet publication “Two Cents,” located at the url “http://alexlew.blogspot.com/” (hereafter referred to as ‘your website’ and reproduced in part below for your reference).

Mr. Lew, your characterisation of my client as a “feral,” a “moonbat”, as “highly unprofessional” and of participating in an “internet smear campaign” is objectional in the extreme. Your publication of photographs of my client in this context is an illegal invasion which could, unfortunately, be construed as an act of intimidation and/or incitement to violence. This is unacceptable.

Therefore:

1. — You are hereby issued with a written request to remove all material on your website which could be construed as defamatory towards my client. This includes, but is not limited to: material characterising my client as a “feral,” a “moonbat,” and as “highly unprofessional;” statements linking my client’s engagement as a writer for the Nine Network television programme ‘McLeod’s Daughters’ (aka “Macleod’s Daghters [sic]“) with a perceived reduction in the quality of Australian television programming in general; and any statements giving rise to the implication of an improper and/or dishonest and/or inappropriate relationship between my client and her employer/s.

2. — You are hereby issued with a written request to remove all material on your website which could be construed as harassment, sexual or otherwise, towards my client.

3. — You are hereby issued with a written request to remove all material on your website which could be construed as threatening towards my client’s physical person and/or well-being and/or place of employment.

4. — You are hereby issued with a written request to remove all intellectual property of my client and others which you have reproduced on your website without the express written permission of my client and/or the copyright holder of the material. This includes, but is not limited to, photographs taken of and by my client, and words composed by my client.

5. — You are hereby advised that your publication of the aforementioned materials is in breach of applicable laws and your failure to remove these materials will result in further action being taken through the appropriate legal channels.

A word of advice, Mr. Lew. My client is a professional television writer with many years of experience and of good standing in the community. I am a professional solicitor, also with many years of experience, and also of good standing in the community. You are in very deep water, Mr. Lew. To use the vernacular, you are playing with the big boys now. I strongly urge you to consider the ramifications of your words and your actions, especially in light of your apparent desire to one day work in the legal field.

Sincerely,

Simon Hollins, Solicitor
Hollins & Associates
simon.hollins@gmail.com

encl/

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: “Brett Kleinitz” Subject: Re: didn't copy last message

Brett,

Alex and myself are planning on starting proceedings against Diana. We need her residential address in order that our lawyer can send correspondence to her; do you know her address, or is there some way you can find out?

Thanks in advance,
Miranda

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From: “Brett Kleinitz”
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: bolt column

Great stuff!

Not working this weekend. Trying to find someone I can trust to give me her
address. Otherwise, I’ll need to do a sneak job in the office tomorrow…

BK

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From: bolta@[deleted]
To: simon.hollins@gmail.com
Subject: [none]

Simon,

If you have time in between monstering uni students, could you please explain that threat at the bottom of your letter?

Andrew Bolt

Web site: www.heraldsun.com.au/andrewbolt

—–Original Message—–
From: Alexander Lew [mailto:alexlew@[deleted]]
Sent: Saturday, 6 November 2004 16:01
To: Rohan D’Souza; Peter Katsambanis; Miranda Airey-Branson; Bolt, Andrew
Subject: A legal letter from Diana Elgar

…

A word of advice, Mr. Lew. My client is a professional television
writer with many years of experience and of good standing in the
community. I am a professional solicitor, also with many years of
experience, and also of good standing in the community. You are in
very deep water, Mr. Lew. To use the vernacular, you are playing with the big boys now. I strongly urge you to consider the ramifications of your words and your actions, especially in light of your apparent desire to one day work in the legal field.

Sincerely,

Simon Hollins

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From: simon.hollins@gmail.com
To: bolta@[deleted]
Subject: [none]

Andrew,

Glad to be speaking to an adult about this, rather than kids playing at Law & Order.

I’m not sure how selective Alexander and Miranda have been in forwarding their correspondence to you. You might be interested in the following highlights, beginning with Alex making a stab at passing himself off as a solicitor:

—– Original Message —–
From: “Alexander Lew”
To:
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2004 10:58 PM
Subject: reasonsyouwillhateme.blogspot.com

Dear Ms. Elgar,

1.1 I write on behalf of my client [sic] Ms. Mirada [sic] Airey-Branson.

2.1 I would like to formally issue you with a written request to cease and desist publishing defamatory statements about Ms. Airey-Branson on your internet site.

2.2 I would like to formally issue you with a written request that you remove any material on your website that could be construed as sexual harassment towards Ms. Airey-Branson

2.3 I would like to formally issue you with a written request that you remove any intellectual property of Mi [sic] Airey-Branson that you have reproduced on your site without the express written permission of Ms. Airey-Branson. (This includes photographs taken by Ms. Airey-Branson and words composed by Ms Airey-Branson)

3.1 Should you choose not to comply with my clients [sic] request within the next 48 hours you will be served with formal notice that legal action will be brought against you in the State of Victoria.

3.2 This letter is the intellectual property of its’ [sic] author and may not be reproduced in any forum without the express written permission of the author.

Alexander Lew (BA/LLB IV)(Melbourne)
alexlew@[deleted]

Or this e-mail I obtained, in which Miranda seeks “more dirt” on Diana Elgar:

From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: [NAME DELETED]
Subject: Re: Ms Fits true identity
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 2004 12:49:48 +1100

Also: I am planning to ‘give her hell.’ I am in touch with lawyers at present. I was wondering – any more dirt on Diane [sic] that you know of?

Cheers,
Miranda

Or finally, the phone call I received at 11pm last night from a woman calling from a private number who identified herself as “Miranda”:

“Hello, it’s Miranda here and I want to play with the big boys, darlin’.”

Telephone harassment and attempted blackmail are things I would counsel anyone against, Andrew. But for a young person studying a Law degree and presumably hoping to make a career in either law or politics, I’m sure you’d agree such activities amount to career suicide.

I don’t present a “threat” to your young friends, Andrew. They’re a threat to themselves.

Best,

Simon Hollins

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From: bolta@[deleted]
To: simon.hollins@gmail.com
Subject: [none]

Simon

They are not much better than kids, and I hold no brief for them – in either sense of the word. I do not know them, and from what little I know of them I do not approve of all that they do.

You, however, are in a position of real power, and are throwing your weight around like some Johnny Cochrane on steroids, trying to intimidate them – improperly and unprofessionally, in my view – from replying to truly disgusting and highly personal attacks.

I’m just interested in why you wrote as you did in that final paragraph, and what you meant by that sinister threat against the future career of Mr Lew. Do you intend to apologise to him?

Andrew Bolt

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From: simon.hollins@gmail.com
To: bolta@[deleted]
Subject: [none]

Andrew,

I appreciate your candour. I apologise for not being clear enough in my last message.

As you yourself alluded to, there are many activities in which Mr Lew and his cohorts engage which are in, to put it mildly, a grey area. Telephone harassment and attempted blackmail are not, under any circumstances, advisable activities. Such activities do not reflect well on their perpetrators, nor do they make good CV material for prospective lawyers. I made no threat, sinister or otherwise, to Mr Lew. I merely suggested that he consider his activities in light of his future career.

If Mr Lew wishes to continue pursuing his legal options through the proper channels, that is, of course, his right. I am not attempting to deny him this right. However, if he wishes to continue playing intimidation games while ignoring the due process of the law, then he’s only making trouble for himself.

I have no power over Mr Lew. You, on the other hand, are obviously a figure he respects. I appreciate that to date you have remained uninvolved, Andrew, but perhaps if you counseled him against making rash decisions in the heat of the moment, he might consider his behaviour more thoughtfully?

Simon

ps. If you feel it would help clarify matters, please feel free to forward this e-mail, or parts of it, to Mr Lew himself.

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From: brettk2000@hotmail.com
To: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
Subject: Latest on DE

Hi Miranda,

“Di in El” has been in closed door meetings with the executives and producers for the last few hours. They’re obviously taking this all pretty seriously. I’m going to have to lay low for a few days because of the rumours flying about who might have leaked her real name and workplace.

Someone mentioned that she’s engaged Hollins & Associates, but whoever her lawyer is, I guess they’ll be in contact with you if not already, so you don’t really need me taking risks to get her address.

Brett.

PS: And thanks for putting out there what I said about the origins of her name. Couldn’t do it myself of course. Sweet. But you got her email address wrong – it’s “eaglehand” not “eaglehands”

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From: m.airey-branson@[deleted]
To: brettk2000@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Latest on DE

Is there any way you can prove that you are not a fraud? I have seen evidence from somebody saying they went to Carey Baptist Grammar with a Marieke Hardy. Furthermore, there is no such barrister as Simon Hollins registered on the Victorian Bar.

Can you explain?

Miranda

PS I apologise if you are real and this is hurtful.

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And there ends the story.

How very entertaining — Andrew Bolt arguing with a figment of somebody’s imagination. I know he likes straw men, but this is ridiculous.